They gave me warnings. 

Friend of friends. 

He said he saw the devil.

I thought he just needed the light. 

He said I was beautiful.

That was weird to me.

I felt like the ugly duckling.

I hated myself. I wanted to kill myself at 8.

I stared in the mirror telling myself 

What a piece of shit I was.

Trying to understand;

Abuse and taking on adult problems.

Like a prostitute. A whore.

I turned down his bride. 

I didn’t understand 

How a grown ass married man

Was trying to pay a child

For his gratification.

Yet I had no clue.

Groomed at four.

When it started.

I still remember the penetration. 

The popped. I had an outer body experience. 

God said he gave free will.

That he was sorry. He made promises

To me in the delusions. 

Time goes on and your brain

Protects you. Making threats-

Blame- this father figure foretold. 

His own manipulation in control

Over the situation. I didn’t blame 

My brothers or sisters or parents.

Cycles inherited from the sequence 

Where I fell in the timeline 

Of the bigger picture.

I said I wouldn’t speak until 18.

It was part of the plan. 

I always intended to put him 

Away. I just didn’t know how.  

I had so much anger.

It subsided. Distance. Rumors.

The creepy uncle. I only understood

Years later. I stared up at the ceiling. 

My mother asked me what was 

Wrong. I said he was weird. 

She said not to go near him. 

Just to pray and that God

Would send me a good husband.

This was the advice at six-

Childish innocence in waiting to play with cousins. 

A farm in the Midwest

Was my saving grace

Until I met him at fourteen. 

The first time I saw him was in church. 

Published by Ms. Selective

Traveling Gypse with a Heartfelt Spirit.

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